i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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