I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
