Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
