She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
