I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
