Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
