dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
