I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
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