I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
