Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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