Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
