i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
