You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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