Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
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