I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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