I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Less talking, more tequila
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
