I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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