lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Randomize
