Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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