So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
