I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
