My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Randomize
