Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Randomize
