Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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