im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
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