Will you blow on my dice?
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
