we're blogging at a bar
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
