Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Randomize
