The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
