Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
