Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
