I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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