this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
