Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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