what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
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