True but thats because hes a fetus.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Randomize
