wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
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