420 ftw
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
