i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
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