Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
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