The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
of course. lets lasso hookers.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
