Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Woke up backwards on a recliner
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
