I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
