About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
