he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
