Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Randomize
