I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
