He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
