so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
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