I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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